It is an endless battle that has been going on for as long as I can remember….
“My Silence Is Just Another Word For My Pain” -Healthy Place
Some days I wake up with absolutely no interest of leaving my bed. I have no interest in doing anything, because in the long run, I’ll probably just feel worse if I get up. If I interact with others; If I go about my day; I’ll probably just get hurt anyways. I feel paralyzed. Numb. Trapped in my thoughts, thinking about everything that has gone wrong in my life & how I have failed.
At least I’m medicated now. The worst of it happened pre-medication, but don’t get me wrong, it’s far from being over. Some days are still too hard to bare. I feel myself slipping back into where I was last year.
Back when I was in my darkest days, and sometimes when I relapse back into them, it feels as if everything is a lot of work, even the bare necessities. I would get hungry, but then think to myself, “That means I have to get out of bed, walk all the way to the kitchen, open the fridge, get the ingredients, get the bread, make the sandwich, chew it….and swallow.” I wouldn’t be able to move, it was too hard. So, I just wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t drink. I wouldn’t go to class. I wouldn’t do my homework. I wouldn’t even interact with my friends or family. The only thing I would do was sleep. Day and night. I didn’t want to be around anyone, I’d just want to lay in bed.
I overthought everything that went on, and still do. I thought I was finally viewing the world as how it truly was.
Some days it was almost too hard to survive. It was too painful to be alive, but what kept me from killing myself was for the purpose of saving others from that pain. I didn’t want anyone to slip into depression and have to experience even half of what I did. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Don’t get me wrong. If I had the choice to take away my mental illness (depression and anxiety), I wouldn’t. It has built me into the person I am today; it has allowed me to grow, and understand others on an entire different level. I can use what I have gone through, and currently going through as experience to help others get through it too.
What is hard to accept, is that this is an ongoing battle. Something that you will have to treat throughout your lifetime with medication and therapy. Depression and anxiety is engraved into our persona. You will have a relapse, but you will get better. Relapse, and then better. Over and over. You just have to remember that it WILL get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately, accepting your disability and allowing others to know about it can be extremely hard. I battled with that for a long time. I’ve had depression for almost my entire lifetime, but it didn’t get SEVERE until I reached Junior year of high school. That is when I experienced the worst of my anxiety attacks. That entire year was filled with them. To add to that, I couldn’t go more than a few days without a mental breakdown. Life became too hard. I wanted to quit. It got a lot worse before it got better. I refused to ask for help, which unknowingly caused me to fall deeper into depression. Thankfully I eventually started to improve a little bit and held it together as much as I could until I got to Freshman year of college. Once again, I took a pitfall back into severe depression. Months went by, and once it got extremely bad, my friends held an intervention to help me recognize and accept what was going on in order to help me. I’m now a Sophomore, and thanks to that moment I am now being treated for my mental health. They saved my life.
Why is it so hard to come out and accept what is wrong with your brain? I know why, it is because there is a fear so large, especially if you also deal with anxiety, that if people find out what’s wrong inside your head, that they will never treat you the same again. But I learned the hard way that depression is EXHAUSTING and silence makes it worse. What you need to understand is that depression and anxiety are very common, but there is just unfortunately a stigma that you can’t talk about it. But you need to break that stigma for your own good, and for the good of others. SPEAK OUT! Embrace who you are. It will help. Understand that depression is due to a genetic vulnerability, and it’s not your fault. Acceptance will lead you to the path of recovery.
You are loved. I promise. I know your brain may tell you otherwise, but don’t listen to it. We are all here for you.