Let go

Keeping things bottled up inside of you takes a toll on your mental health. You try to bury it deep down inside of you, only for it to boil up until you explode. I try to talk to my close friends or family about issues I’ve encountered, things that are bothering me, but I can never gather enough courage to tell them the worst of the worst. Some things are just too personal, too scary.  But I have advice for you. The more you talk about it, the more you share, the easier it gets. Let down your guard, I promise everything will be okay.

The number one reason I created this blog was to let others know that they are not alone. That depression, anxiety, ptsd, and every other mental health issue is way more common than believed. That you have a support system, even when it doesn’t always feel that way. I wanted to express my thoughts to the world, to help others and myself. This is an outlet for me that can let me poor out all of my feelings, while doing what I love most, helping others.

But, there is something holding me back. I’ve always wanted to be a public speaker for mental health. I’ve always wanted to write a book on it. I am even majoring in psychology in order to become a psychiatrist so I can continue to pursue my dream of helping others and overcoming the stigma that mental health should be an unspoken illness. What’s holding me back? My deepest darkest secrets being exposed to the public, the feeling of being so ‘naked’. That’s why I created this blog, to take the first steps to the rest of my life. Although, I have published my life for everyone to see, I still haven’t exploited it on any of my social media. I haven’t told a soul that I have created my blog. But, each day I get closer and closer. I just need to let go. Hopefully that next step will be soon.

To everyone out there that has opened up their life for the rest of the world to see, you deserve a round of applause. You are amazing. You have blessed others with a source of comfort, and not all the money in the world could replace that feeling. Thank you, keep it up.

Tattoo says it all

Journal Entry 4/13/17:

“It has been forever since I have written in this journal. I am falling apart. Depression is killing me from the inside out. Not one thing makes me feel happy anymore. It takes all the energy in the world to put a smile on my face. I want to die. I can’t put up with this anymore. It has been going on for what seems like forever, and it just gets progressively worse. Now people hate me for how I have been acting, secluded and unsocial with spells of crying. I don’t know what to do, I feel trapped. I need help.”

IV.XIV.XVII or April 14, 2017:

That was the day my roommates saved my life. That night my three roommates confronted me about everything going on & I broke down and told them everything. They told me that everything was going to be alright. They told me that they were there for me no matter what, but in order to help myself & get better, I had to call my parents and tell them what was going on.

I was terrified. I knew it was best to call out for help, but I didn’t want them to worry. I didn’t want to impact their life in a negative way, I didn’t want them to bare any of the weight I was carrying. It was a lot for them to take on. My first instinct was to call my mom, who has been close to me my entire life. Once I told her what was going on, she expressed how worried she was about me but was unsure of what to do because she was out of town for a business trip. We talked for hours. When we hung up, she called my dad and filled him in. The minute he heard what was going on, he loaded up our 3 dogs and drove 5 hours to my college to see me. He drove through the night. We grabbed breakfast the next morning and he told me that everything would be okay and that he will do everything in his power to help.

April 14th changed my life. I don’t know how much longer I would have made it on my own. I will be forever grateful for that day, my friends and my family. This tattoo is a reminder that I am never alone and that I can overcome anything.

AND SO CAN YOU! Trust me, you can get through this. No matter how hard it is, no matter how much you want to give up, know that you are stronger than you believe.

Liberation

“Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.” -Mary Manin Morrissey

There was once a guy in my life, one that I loved, but he disappeared in the midst of the college world. We met at the end of freshman year, and we had a great run together. Although it was short, we always had a good time. Well, at least up until the end. That’s when it all became real. Once the excitement stopped and real life started to come into play, it was over. We both had jobs, school was about to start again, and I had volleyball practice every day. He started to pull away from me. We saw each other less and less, and when we were together, he was completely checked out. I was no longer his first choice. I was no longer on his priorities list; I was replaced by parties, drugs, & alcohol. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that he did not think there was anything wrong with that. Fight after fight, I was the “bad guy” for trying to shame and blame him for everything.

One day, I reached a conclusion that he was not good for me. He played with my mind, continuously pulling me in and then crushing me. Some days he acted like he cared, and others I wouldn’t even hear from him. We could go a week without seeing each other. But for some reason I could not get myself to break it off because there was a small part of me that thought I could save us. I was holding on to the guy he used to be, instead of the guy he was. But, that didn’t matter because he beat me to it. He came over to my house one day and ended it.

He took it upon himself to terminate our relationship, but then would continuously try to crawl back into my life. I’d try to get away, I’d try to get over him, but time after time he would tell me that he still cared about me, and that we just needed a break. I heard that a million times over the 7 months we were “friends”.

I never asked for this. When we broke up, I was destroyed. I felt like it was all my fault, I was the one to blame. Maybe if I had done something different, or was a better girlfriend none of this would have happened. But it’s taken me a long time to grasp that I had done everything in my power, and it just wasn’t enough. And that’s okay. But during those few months following our break up, I was so broken. Unfortunately, that caused me to fall again and again for him when I knew our relationship was toxic. That it was just fight after fight. I was trapped.

My mental health took a big hit from this. It felt like abuse. No one has ever made me feel as powerless as he did.

Over Christmas break, I finally gathered myself enough to do something about all of this. For my own good, I told him that this couldn’t go on any longer. He had his chance, and he missed it.

Yet again, he found a way back in. And this time it was worse. He manipulated me with his words. He told me all these wonderful things, and how much he had changed. He told me that he loved me. But soon after, it fell in a downward spiral. I began to think that the only reason he kept me in his life was to use me for his benefit. What truly opened my eyes is when I put everything together…and I feel like an idiot for taking this long to realize it. I was so blinded by my feelings to realize it all. But here were the facts:

  1. He would ONLY invite me over at night before he went to bed.
  2. He refused to do anything at all to pleasure ME, when all I did was pleasure him.
  3. The longer time went on, the worse it got. At one point, he would just invite me over, get me to have sex with him, and once he was done, he would go to sleep.
  4. Then, we almost completely stopped having sex. At first, whenever I was invited over at night, he would just vent to me about his life and then go to bed, which I didn’t mind because I like helping people through things because I know how hard it can be. But then, it turned into something else. When I’d come over, he would have already turned the lights off and be laying in bed. He’d have me join him and then try to “start things” with me. But if I went with it and we started kissing, he’d shove me down to his penis to give him a blow job. And if I didn’t want to do anything that night, he would continue to coerce me until I did.

But again. whenever I tried to bring anything up, he would find a way to turn it around and make me feel worse. He continued to play games with my emotions. But I finally had enough and I blocked him on social media.

This whole process has been excruciatingly hard for me. And even though I pushed him out of my life, he still finds ways to make me feel bad about myself by trying to make himself look like the good guy. One thing I learned from this experience is that words and actions are two very different things. He was two different people, he was great with his words, but never showed me that he cared with his actions.

Even when he isn’t contacting me, just seeing his house or car reminded me of all the hurt he has caused me.

I don’t know how to deal with everything going on, I am in a constant state of pain.

Now I’m more scared than ever to be alone again because I’m worried that I will just be taken advantage of. He was not the first, and I fear he won’t be the last.

He had control over me. If I did anything he disapproved of, especially when it came to my friends of the opposite sex, he would get extremely angry at me and would shut me out for the rest of the day or longer.

I care too much, it is one of my biggest flaws. To this day, I still haven’t let go of the thought of who he used to be. Who we used to be. I can’t get myself to completely let go. And it hurts every time. I need to take Mary Manin Morrisseys advice, I need liberation.

Where do I begin?

It is an endless battle that has been going on for as long as I can remember….

“My Silence Is Just Another Word For My Pain” -Healthy Place

Some days I wake up with absolutely no interest of leaving my bed. I have no interest in doing anything, because in the long run, I’ll probably just feel worse if I get up. If I interact with others; If I go about my day; I’ll probably just get hurt anyways. I feel paralyzed. Numb. Trapped in my thoughts, thinking about everything that has gone wrong in my life & how I have failed.

At least I’m medicated now. The worst of it happened pre-medication, but don’t get me wrong, it’s far from being over. Some days are still too hard to bare. I feel myself slipping back into where I was last year.

Back when I was in my darkest days, and sometimes when I relapse back into them, it feels as if everything is a lot of work, even the bare necessities. I would get hungry, but then think to myself, “That means I have to get out of bed, walk all the way to the kitchen, open the fridge, get the ingredients, get the bread, make the sandwich, chew it….and swallow.” I wouldn’t be able to move, it was too hard. So, I just wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t drink. I wouldn’t go to class. I wouldn’t do my homework. I wouldn’t even interact with my friends or family. The only thing I would do was sleep. Day and night. I didn’t want to be around anyone, I’d just want to lay in bed.

I overthought everything that went on, and still do. I thought I was finally viewing the world as how it truly was.

Some days it was almost too hard to survive. It was too painful to be alive, but what kept me from killing myself was for the purpose of saving others from that pain. I didn’t want anyone to slip into depression and have to experience even half of what I did. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Don’t get me wrong. If I had the choice to take away my mental illness (depression and anxiety), I wouldn’t. It has built me into the person I am today; it has allowed me to grow, and understand others on an entire different level. I can use what I have gone through, and currently going through as experience to help others get through it too.

What is hard to accept, is that this is an ongoing battle. Something that you will have to treat throughout your lifetime with medication and therapy. Depression and anxiety is engraved into our persona. You will have a relapse, but you will get better. Relapse, and then better. Over and over. You just have to remember that it WILL get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Unfortunately, accepting your disability and allowing others to know about it can be extremely hard. I battled with that for a long time. I’ve had depression for almost my entire lifetime, but it didn’t get SEVERE until I reached Junior year of high school. That is when I experienced the worst of my anxiety attacks. That entire year was filled with them. To add to that, I couldn’t go more than a few days without a mental breakdown. Life became too hard. I wanted to quit. It got a lot worse before it got better. I refused to ask for help, which unknowingly caused me to fall deeper into depression. Thankfully I eventually started to improve a little bit and held it together as much as I could until I got to Freshman year of college. Once again, I took a pitfall back into severe depression. Months went by, and once it got extremely bad, my friends held an intervention to help me recognize and accept what was going on in order to help me. I’m now a Sophomore, and thanks to that moment I am now being treated for my mental health. They saved my life.

Why is it so hard to come out and accept what is wrong with your brain? I know why, it is because there is a fear so large, especially if you also deal with anxiety, that if people find out what’s wrong inside your head, that they will never treat you the same again. But I learned the hard way that depression is EXHAUSTING and silence makes it worse. What you need to understand is that depression and anxiety are very common, but there is just unfortunately a stigma that you can’t talk about it. But you need to break that stigma for your own good, and for the good of others. SPEAK OUT! Embrace who you are. It will help. Understand that depression is due to a genetic vulnerability, and it’s not your fault. Acceptance will lead you to the path of recovery.

You are loved. I promise. I know your brain may tell you otherwise, but don’t listen to it. We are all here for you.

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